חַיֵּ֣י בְ֭שָׂרִים לֵ֣ב מַרְפֵּ֑א וּרְקַ֖ב עֲצָמ֣וֹת קִנְאָֽה׃
A calm disposition gives bodily health; jealousy rots the bones. (Mishle 14.30)
If the Book VaYikra, Leviticus, was short on drama, the Book we are now reading, BaMidbar, Numbers, makes up for it. This week in our triennial cycle we are confronted with a text that has discomfited generations of commentators and ethicists.
The problem for us is this: a woman is labeled a sotah (from the Hebrew for “go astray” used in the verse), and made to go through an ordeal, not because of having done something wrong, but because her partner, a man, simply suspects her, with no evidence, nothing at all to justify his jealousy. He is not thinking: he is just feeling.
וְעָבַ֨ר עָלָ֧יו רֽוּחַ־קִנְאָ֛ה וְקִנֵּ֥א אֶת־אִשְׁתּ֖וֹ וְהִ֣וא נִטְמָ֑אָה אוֹ־עָבַ֨ר עָלָ֤יו רֽוּחַ־קִנְאָה֙ וְקִנֵּ֣א אֶת־אִשְׁתּ֔וֹ וְהִ֖יא לֹ֥א נִטְמָֽאָה׃
If a fit of jealousy comes over him and he is wrought up about the wife who has defiled herself, or if a fit of jealousy comes over him and he is wrought up about his wife although she has not defiled herself (Numbers 5.14)
This passage is one of the more destructive when taken out of its historical context. If among our ancestors were men whose emotions got the better of their empathy, this coerced ritual may have actually saved a defenseless woman from her husband’s private choice to beat her, even to death, on the basis of a suspicion, however untrue.
It is true that domestic abuse happened, and still happens, among all domestic partnerships. Twenty-two percent of all people in an intimate relationship will experience domestic abuse, according to the peer-reviewed Partner Abuse.
Male and female IPV perpetrated from similar motives – primarily to get back at a partner for emotionally hurting them, because of stress or jealousy, to express anger and other feelings that they could not put into words or communicate, and to get their partner’s attention.
How much damage we do when we are stuck in our emotions! The Musar text Mesillat Yesharim comments:
הַקִּנְאָה גַּם הִיא אֵינָהּ אֶלָּא חֶסְרוֹן יְדִיעָה וְסִכְלוּת, כִּי אֵין הַמְקַנֵּא מַרְוִיחַ כְּלוּם לְעַצְמוֹ … וּכְמַאֲמַר הַכָּתוּב שֶׁזָּכַרְתִּי (איוב ה): וּפֹתֶה תָּמִית קִנְאָה.
Jealousy also is nothing but lack of understanding and foolishness. For the jealous person gains nothing for himself …as the verse we mentioned states “jealousy slays the foolish” (Iyov 5:2).
In our society we often find a person’s emotions being raised up to prominence. This is probably a necessary reaction to too much primacy being given to intellect and logic in the immediate past, but we can easily see that neither extreme serves us well. Subjective reality deserve respect, but it is only one of the factors that must be considered in any situation. The question, as always, is balance, and much thought must go into achieving it:
If I’m jealous and I put my loved one through the modern equivalent of a sotah ritual (where their emotions are demonstrated to be not as important as mine), what chance does our relationship have of achieving a better state afterward?
Learning to balance the before and after, the me and the other, the cause and the effect, all are part of learning to consider the reality of having both emotions and an intellect. Bringing everything to bear rather than lashing out when we’re hurt is a form of integration of the self. In Jewish tradition, it’s how we polish the Image of Holiness that we reflect.
Alas, in our society we also often simply leave a relationship – with an intimate partner, with a friend, with a community – when our emotions are upset within it. Having been encouraged by a fee-for-service, drive-through, no one is the boss of me culture, we look to start over somewhere better, somewhere where we won’t be hurt. What we don’t realize is that being hurt is an invitation into truly coming to know our own self, our own strength, and our own part in all the relationships of our lives.
The next time you are hurt by someone, don’t withdraw. Bring forth your curiosity. Why do I feel this way? What might I learn, how might I grow, if I don’t walk away? If I don’t outsource my control over my emotions, and accuse someone else of being at fault for what I feel?
Being a grown up is hard work. Being a good Jew can help. Come and engage in community, even when you get your feelings hurt, and let it help you become your best self.
Torah for the 21st Century by Rabbi Ariel Stone 