תנא דבי רבי ישמעאל גדול שלום שאפי’ הקב”ה שינה בו שנאמר (בראשית יח, יב) ותצחק שרה בקרבה וגו’ (בראשית יח, יב) ואדוני זקן וכתיב (בראשית יח, יג) ויאמר ה’ אל אברהם וגו’ ואני זקנתי
It was taught in the house of R. Yishmael: “Peace is so great that even God lies for its sake.” Sarah laughs and says: ‘And my husband is old’ (Bereishit 18:12) and HaShem says [she said] “I am old.” Bereshit 18.13)
תְּאַבֵּד֮ דֹּבְרֵ֢י כָ֫זָ֥ב אִישׁ־דָּמִ֥ים וּמִרְמָ֗ה יְתָ֘עֵ֥ב ה’
You doom those who speak lies; murderous, deceitful men HaShem abhors.
Our parashat hashavua does what so many families do – returns to an old wound, and worries it open again.
וַיִּרְא֤וּ אֲחֵֽי־יוֹסֵף֙ כִּי־מֵ֣ת אֲבִיהֶ֔ם וַיֹּ֣אמְר֔וּ ל֥וּ יִשְׂטְמֵ֖נוּ יוֹסֵ֑ף וְהָשֵׁ֤ב יָשִׁיב֙ לָ֔נוּ אֵ֚ת כׇּל־הָ֣רָעָ֔ה אֲשֶׁ֥ר גָּמַ֖לְנוּ אֹתֽוֹ׃
When Joseph’s brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, “What if Joseph still bears a grudge against us and pays us back for all the wrong that we did him!” (Gen 50.15)
At this point, the brothers choose subterfuge, telling their all-powerful younger brother – in whose hands all their lives rest – that Jacob had privately told them to take a message from him to Joseph, which was (mirabile dictu) that he wanted Joseph to forgive them.
The brothers had every right to be worried; in traditional Judaism, kidnapping, or abetting kidnapping, is punishable by death (since the person kidnapped was, in effect, “dead” to their loved ones). Were they right to lie about it? After all, one of the important laws laid down in the Covenant with HaShem (parashat Mishpatim) is:
מִדְּבַר־שֶׁ֖קֶר תִּרְחָ֑ק וְנָקִ֤י וְצַדִּיק֙ אַֽל־תַּהֲרֹ֔ג כִּ֥י לֹא־אַצְדִּ֖יק רָשָֽׁע׃
Keep far from a false charge; do not bring death on those who are innocent and in the right, for I will not acquit the wrongdoer. (Ex 23.7)
When is it all right, even laudable, to lie? Can one ever tell a “white lie”? For the sake of kindness, our Sages ruled that not only may we, we must: every bride is beautiful, after all, in our tradition. There are four categories of approved subterfuge:
Darkhei Shalom – For the Sake of Peace in the World
It is permitted to alter the truth to bring peace between any two parties in a dispute…Aaron would inform each party in a dispute that the other felt bad and wanted to resolve the issue, until they would meet on the street and embrace (Pirkei Avot 1:12, Even Ha’Ezer 65:1).
As a mediator between two sides in an argument, one might consider that this is a case of the end justifying the means; but it can also be seen as believing the best in each party, that sooner or later they will feel bad and want to resolve the issue, and what Aaron – and we – are to do here is to summon each side to its best sense of self by speaking it aloud.
Hesed – For the Sake of Kindness
It is commendable to lie to someone when you don’t like what they’ve bought. An example: improperly criticizing a completed purchase (from Journey to Virtue, Rabbi Avrohom Ehrman, 26:14)
A: Look at my new suit.
B: How much did you pay?
A: X dollars.
B: What! You were cheated!
B should have considered that perhaps the market price changed or that A cannot return the purchase, in which case nothing but disappointment is gained by telling him he was overcharged.
Anavut: For the Sake of Modesty
for the sake of acting with humility, or being discrete about one’s private life or to protect another from harm, it is permitted to alter the truth.
An example of altering the truth for humility:
A: I heard that you’re an expert in the laws of truth and falsehood!
B: I’ve learnt some of the laws but not all (even though B is really an expert).
(Talmud Bavli, Bava Metzia 23b; Rashi, ibid)
And, finally, the category presented in this week’s parashat VaYekhi:
Sh’lom Bayit – For the Sake of Peace in the Family
Ila’e said in the name of R. Elazar the son of Shimon: “It is permissible to lie for the sake of peace, as it says: ‘Your father commanded before he died, saying: So shall ye say unto Joseph: Forgive, I pray you now, the transgression of your brothers, and their sin…’ (Bereishit 50:16).”
Kant is wrong: the truth is not an overriding imperative. Kindness is. One must consider the consequences of one’s words in all cases. Lies that save feelings are, sometimes, under certain conditions and given the context, the right thing. The converse: lies that destroy, that alter the world for self-interest, and cause hurt to others, are so awful that their effect is summed up best by the Psalmist:
לֹֽא־יֵשֵׁ֨ב ׀ בְּקֶ֥רֶב בֵּיתִי֮ עֹשֵׂ֢ה רְמִ֫יָּ֥ה דֹּבֵ֥ר שְׁקָרִ֑ים לֹֽא־יִ֝כּ֗וֹן לְנֶ֣גֶד עֵינָֽי׃
He who deals deceitfully shall not live in my house; he who speaks untruth shall not stand before my eyes. (Psalm 101.7)
Torah for the 21st Century by Rabbi Ariel Stone 